Hello, I’m Erin, and I like birds as much as the next guy.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a few questions.
Here are all the things I wish I could ask birds. If you are a bird, please feel free to answer in the comments.
1. Where do you go when it rains?
2. Can you tell yourself apart from other birds or are you like, “hey, that guy looks just like me” a hundred times a day?
3. When you lay an egg do you know there’s a baby in there or are you like why the fuck do I care about this rock so much?
4. Do all birds lay blank eggs like chickens or is that strictly a chicken thing? Do chickens have a monopoly on blank eggs?
5. Do you know other birds are birds even if they look different from you? Like if you are a sparrow and you run into a ostrich do you give him a subtle bird head nod or are you like get that feathery giraffe away from me?
6. What’s with migrating? How do you know it’s time to go if you don’t own a calendar? Do you own a calendar? Does it feature pictures of sexy robins dressed as firefighters?
7. How high can you fly? Gun to your head could you fly to space? Are there birds in space and they’re just not telling us?
8. Why do you make so much noise? Are you communicating with other birds or screaming because you’re afraid of heights?
9. I also really love bread. Maybe I…am…bird?
10. Are you cool with bats? Or are they like the goth kids at high school that you know exist but don’t really interact with?
11. Do you ever crash into bees when you’re up there flying around?
12. When you walk are you just mocking us?
13. Why do you always get stuck inside the Home Depot? Are you looking to build an addition on your nest?
14. What if I shit on your car for once? How would you like that?
15. The first time you flew were you like “OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK” and then when you got the hang of it were you like “WOOOOOOOOOW!!!!”?
16. Are parrots just the absolute worst?
17. Is it hard not having hands? How do you high five other birds when they do a cool flying move?
18. Do you ever hitch a ride on the back of a deer when you’re too tired to fly?
19. At night do you sleep or do you just sit very still with your eyes open waiting for morning? I cannot picture you sleeping.
20. Do you understand how much it would make a person’s day if you landed on their shoulder and stayed there long enough for them to take an Instagram picture? Like, do you realize how much power you hold?
21. What’s your relationship with squirrels? You guys get along? I feel like you’re coworkers.
22. Have you ever blown away in the wind? You have hollow bones, right? You are like a leaf with a face and I am worried about you.
23. Why are you so jumpy? You know we only eat the fat birds who can’t fly, right?
24. Is building a nest hard or do you just kinda throw a bunch of shit together and then stuff the gaps with hair you got from the barber shop dumpster?
25. When you see a bird in a cage do you think they’re in jail?
26. When you’re flying in a flock who is in charge? Is there an elected official or is it anarchy? Is that why you’re always changing directions without warning?
27. Also, who decided on the V-formation? Why not a fancy script Q or the frying pan emoji? (It has an egg in it; it’s very on brand).
28. Are birds who can’t fly like penguins and kiwis the equivalent of humans who choose to live in New York City? Are they like, “Sure it’s not easy having to walk everywhere, but this is who I am, baby!” And you’re like *jerk-off motion only with a wing instead of a hand*?
29. Are windows the scariest thing in bird culture? Do you tell window-stories to baby birds around the campfire about invisible walls that can kill in the blink of an eye?
30. I know you’re always naked but when you take a bird bath are you, like, actually naked?
31. Do you know what’s in down pillows? Maybe don’t google it.
32. If I tied a string to your little feet and the other end to my armpit, how many of you would it take to lift me off the ground?
33. Are airplanes like Godzilla to you?
34. Are the birds who live in prefabricated birdhouses your Kardashians?
35. Do you ever say to your bird friends “I’m gonna be bad and hit up the buffet for lunch” but the buffet is just the bird feeder outside my mom’s house?
36. Is it just me or are ducks total show-offs because they’re masters of land, air, and sea and they usually snag all the good bread?
37. Are bird-twins a thing? Can two birds be growing inside one egg? And when they hatch is the mama bird like “We did not put enough money away for two bird-tuitions!”
38. If I stop eating chicken will you stop screaming outside my window at 5 o’clock in the morning?